SELF ESTEEM - THE PROBLEMS BEHIND ALL PROBLEMS

Self esteem is THE major challenge of our era. It lies at the heart of many of the diverse issues and challenges we face in life.

In fact, it is precisely because low self esteem does not seem to be the problem, that it is so very insidious. Many people who suffer from low self esteem attribute their life challenges to wholly different causes. It does not even occur to them to relate their problems to how they regard themselves at the deepest level. Instead, they blame their problems on a mean boss, racial or sexual prejudice, a talent for choosing abusive love partners and so on.

In this way, the problem is externalized. However, doing this merely moves a person further away from the real problem, and consequently from the solution. Thus by disguising itself as some other more immediately visible issue, low self esteem is never tackled and overcome. It remains to rear its ugly head again.

Whatever challenge you face, you can rest assured that someone else has had it even worse, and yet gone on to triumph. If so, what prevents you back from doing the same? The answer must inevitably be - yourself. YOU are the primary force shaping you life. If others faced similar external challenges and triumphed, then external circumstances are NOT the primary determiners of your life. Your attitude of mind is.

How Low Self Esteem Arises

People with NO apparent self esteem problems may still be susceptible at a subtle level. For example, failing to shoot for your dreams when you were young, and settling for a safe route to an unchallenging existence, can damage how well you regard yourself. In later life, it could manifest in short temper, cynicism when others DO try to better themselves, and even physical illness. However, it seems hard to pinpoint the exact problem.

At the heart of compromises such as these is the fact that you did not believe in yourself sufficiently. In other words, self esteem issues, often inherited from your parents, appeared at this early stage.

There are many causes of low self esteem. We gain our predominant world-view by the age of five. In other words, whether you consider the world to be a safe or dangerous place, and whether you will react to events in a primarily positive or negative manner, is determined by this age. Parents are the prime shapers of our young psyches at this time. However, schools, society, and our peers also play an important role. Our later experiences in life merely reinforce the core impressions we gained at this very early age.

As the role of parents is so vital, they need to be FAR more conscious of the consequences for their child of EVERYTHING they do, say, or even think. Moreover, this care must begin whilst the child is still in the womb! Parents are too often far too casual about how they bring up their children. They unconsciously pass on their own limitations to them as a result.

Facing The Challenge Of Ourselves

What can you do to improve your self esteem? The first thing is to understand the difference between self-esteem and self-image. Self-image forms as a result of comparisons you make between yourself and those around you. It is the judgment you make of yourself - the image you have of yourself. Sadly, it is often negative as you can usually find someone better than you at almost everything. Self-image in turn affects self-esteem. An easy way to understand this difference is to look at young children. They have perfect self-esteem BECAUSE they have no self-image. They are not continually judging themselves against externals and falling short.

The key is NOT to work upon self-image. This is what many people try to do. However, working on self-esteem is the heart of creating radical change. When you work from the inside out, how you feel about yourself in comparison with externals must eventually improve as well.

The key to improving your self-esteem is to take conscious control of your self-talk. Negative self-talk is the prime cause for creating and maintaining negative self esteem. The things you say to yourself in your mind, as well as the meaning you attribute to events in your life, combine to create the reality you end up live. Most people's self-talk is roughly 95% negative. They see the worst in themselves and in everything that happens. Putting a stop to such self-destructive thinking is vital. It is our thoughts and expectations that shape and produce what we become. The quality of our lives is a direct result of them.

One excellent way to combat and overcome negative self-talk is through using positive affirmations. The principle behind them is that the brain cannot entertain two contradictory notions at the same time. Eventually one of the two contradictory notions must win out and cause the other to collapse completely. The belief that finally wins out is the one that you invest with the most emotional energy and constancy of thought.

Affirmations such as:
"I like myself"
"I am a positive person and I create a positive life"
"I am a wonderful person of immense value who deserves to be loved"

...and others like these will do absolute wonders. Note how all good affirmations are framed in the positive. Never frame an affirmation in the negative, e.g. "I am NOT a negative person". The subconscious literally cannot see the word "not" and will therefore interpret and act upon the affirmation as if you said "I AM a negative person"!

Create a series of affirmations like this and resolve to use them throughout the day. You can write one or more of them out ten, twenty or more times a day. You should also take every opportunity to say them out loud to yourself. Always do so with enthusiasm and gusto; really feeling the positive emotions surging through your body. This is the true key to making affirmations work in improving self esteem. Putting all your emotional energy behind them gives the affirmations the power to destroy negative self-talk and low self esteem.

An extremely powerful way to use affirmations is to record yourself speaking them quietly onto a tape, perhaps with some soothing background music that you like. Then you can play this tape quietly in the background at every opportunity. You have effectively created your own subliminal tape! Try playing this to yourself when you sleep at night, using an auto-reverse walkman. The results in your life will be truly tremendous.

Recognition Of The Problem Is Halfway To The Solution

There are many effective ways to remedy low self esteem. However, the key to success in life is to recognize the existence of the problem in the first place! Therefore, consider where self esteem issues may be lurking in your life, but manifesting as apparently external problems. The key attitude for success in life is to take total responsibility for what happens to us. We must work upon ourselves continually in order to manifest what we want. Creating high self esteem is one of the best things you can ever do to totally transform every aspect of your life.

REMAIN FLEXIBLE AT ALL TIMES

The Menninger Institute of Kansas City conducted a study not long ago to determine what qualities would be most important for success and happiness in the twenty-first century. They concluded after extensive research, that the most important single quality that you can develop, in a time of rapid change, is flexibility.
The Speed of Change
Today, perhaps the most important factor affecting your life is the speed of change. We are living in an age where change is taking place at a faster rate than ever before in human history. And if anything, the rate is increasing, year by year. Change today is not only faster, but it is also discontinuous, not following a straight line but starting, stopping, and moving in unpredictable directions. Change is coming at us from all sides and in so many different ways that it is often impossible to anticipate what might happen next.
A Major Cause of Stress
Change causes enormous stress for people who are fixed or rigid in their beliefs about how things “should be.” They fall in love with what they are doing, with their current methods and processes, and are unwilling to change, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. Don't let this happen to you.
Be Open to New Information
To remain flexible, you must constantly be open, alert to new ideas, information, and knowledge that can help you or hurt you in your business or in the achievement of your goals. One new idea can be enough to make or lose you a fortune. One idea can start you on the road to riches or knock you off of it.
The Tide of New Technology
The second factor driving change is the rapid growth and development of new technology. Every new piece of scientific or technical knowledge leads to an advance in technology aimed at helping people and companies get things done faster, better, cheaper, or easier. And the speed of technological change is increasing every day.
Playing Leapfrog
Being in business is like playing an endless game of leapfrog. You look for a way to leapfrog over your competitor and serve your customers, better, faster, and cheaper. Your competitor then leapfrogs over you with a new or better product or service. You quickly regroup and leap over your competitor with a new innovation or improvement. Your competitor then leaps over you, and the game goes on without end.
Action Exercise
Be willing to admit, in each area of your life where you experience stress or resistance, that you could be wrong or that you have made a mistake. Resolve today to cut your losses wherever possible.

ARE YOU MOTIVATED TO CHANGE?

You talk about how you want something different in your life -- a new house, a better relationship with your spouse (or to find a spouse), get out of debt, or lose weight -- but nothing changes. You find that you spend (waste) a lot of time talking about it, but not doing anything about it.

How do you motivate yourself to change?

There are two ways people will change, either by choice or by force. Neither one is very pretty.

Change by Force
'By force' means that you have no choice. For example, you lose your job so you have to find a new one. Your doctor gives you bad news about your health so now you have to lose weight...or else suffer the consequences. Your husband is having an affair; this forces you to divorce.

There are times when you know you need to change and you think about it, but instead of being proactive like seeking new employment before your workplace lays you off or talking to financial planner before you go into foreclosure, you sabotage things. You wait until things get so bad you are forced into action.

Force is not pretty because you cannot choose to move forward and create something new; you HAVE to or else suffer the consequences.

Change by Choice
The other option is to CHOOSE change. Choosing to change means that you have become willing to do whatever it takes to make a change in your life. You sacrifice your 'comforts' of the way things are in exchange for the hopes of something better.

Choosing change is great in that it allows you to be proactive. Instead of waiting for the forces of fate to push you into moving and making a change, you take the actions needed to move forward.

This isn't pretty either because any way you look at it, change is hard. There are forces at work that are meant to keep you right where you are. For instance, fear is a big obstacle to change. So are habits.

But fear of the consequences is also a motivator for change. If you are scared to die, and most people are, then you might be more willing to give up greasy foods as recommended by your doctor so you can continue to live and enjoy yourself, your relationships, and your work.

Overwhelm is another big hurdle to change. You see all that needs to be accomplished in order to change and you become overwhelmed. This DE-motivates you, or, rather, motivates you to continue along your current path no matter how unhappy you may be.

So how does one break through the barriers and choose change?

Two Motivators for Change

We humans will move toward pleasure and away from pain. It's that simple. But not so easy.

People endure a lot of pain without realizing it. You put up with so much stuff that you do not like, that causes you pain and frustration and aggravation. You hold tight to old wounds and repeat damaging behaviors. Day after day, you are bombarded by life's negative forces and you do battle, often without realizing just how much of a fight you withstand. Until, of course, at the end of the day when you crash from exhaustion!

You might also have much difficulty being happy and enjoying pleasurable experiences. It may sound funny, but true happiness comes from within; in a world where most people are so busy and full of worry, happiness and joy is left on a wish list somewhere.

Change is possible.
You can learn to sensitize yourself to your pain. You can also learn how to be happy and enjoy yourself. But you cannot do either if you are running on a treadmill. You have to slow down enough to assess your life and learn about yourself -- your likes, your dislikes, what makes you unhappy or uncomfortable, where you are frustrated or angry -- before you can begin to change anything.

So here is your coaching challenge; it is twofold.
1) Pay attention to your emotions and identify what frustrates you or annoys you in your life. Where are you angry, disappointed, or uncomfortable? List these things in a notebook. Identifying them and writing them out is cathartic in that it raises your awareness and you become sensitive to where you are hurting. Many of these items you can eliminate quite easily. Others will take some time. Go slow -- there is no rush.

We start with identifying what hurts because this way we can create space for what feels good. Many people have so much pain that they don't know what they want; they just know they cannot take it anymore!

If you know you want something better in your life that's great! But don't skip doing the exercise above. You are still living with annoyances and old hurts that will hold you back and interfere with happiness and success if you continue to allow it. You first have to unearth these things so you can deal with them.

2) What do you envision for yourself? What do you want? What would make you happy? A vision is a compelling force that will solidify your commitment and pull you toward it. It provides direction for your thoughts and actions. Without vision, how will you know where you are going? You will continue to be buffeted by the circumstances of the day, throwing your power to the wind.

Identify your pain; envision your pleasure. Start saying no to what feels bad and start thinking about and considering what feels good. That's your work for now. Let me know how I can support your success.

GET YOUR GOALS - GUARANTEED!

“Goals” is a topic that many people talk about, both in a positive as well as a negative sense. Some people are goal maniacs and others think they are a waste of time. Me? I am somewhat different. I just care about one thing – results. Goals: write ‘em down; don’t write ‘em down, I don’t care. Just get them! Achieve them! Live them! That is the only thing that should matter about goals, right?

If the only thing that matters is that we achieve our goals, then let’s talk about ways that will guarantee that we get our goals! There is such a way… and here it is:

First, be realistic.
Too many people get hyped up by people promising them the world and they set goals that simply aren't realistic. Then they are disappointed and then decide that “goals” are bad. But wait a minute. Don’t I teach that anybody can achieve anything? Sort of. We have to be realistic. The best example is that a seven-foot center who plays basketball will never be a world champion jockey. A person who is five feet, two inches could be, given time. This is the difference between a realistic goal and one that isn’t. Take some time and set a realistic goal or goals. This will make your goals guaranteed from the get go!

Second, memorize your goals.
Set them in stone in your mind. Know what they are. Prioritize them in order of importance and memorize them so that if anyone asked you, “What are you top seven goals?” you could answer immediately. This will embed the goals and the desired outcomes into your mind, which is the seed of action.

Visualize your goals.
Some people are really into this. Some people think it is total hooey. I am in the middle. I do not think that there is anything “magical” about the visualization process, but I do think that taking some time to regularly envision your dream and goals is a great thing. It deepens your desire to get your goals. It puts you into a frame of mind where you operate in a peak state. So, don’t overdo it, but don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater either. Put your goals deep into your mind by visualizing them periodically.

Set time frames.
Don’t let your goal be, “I want to lose twenty pounds.” Instead, let it be, “I want to lose twenty pounds in four months.” Again, a reminder to be realistic. But you can do wonders for your goal setting if you break your goals and put time frames on them. This gives it a sense of urgency. It makes it some thing you are working “toward” rather than working “on.” In fact, I would suggest setting long-range time frames, mid-range time frames, and short-range time frames.

Spend time and money on your goals.
Realize that any goal worth achieving is worth spending your resources, specifically time and money, on. Buy books, go to seminars, join associations, hire a coach, etc. Whatever you need to do to get your goals! Spending time and money will seed your dreams and you will reap the end result far beyond what you put into it. Big dreams have big costs, but even little dreams have a cost associated with them so count the cost.

Surround yourself with people who can propel you to your goals.
Never underestimate the power of the people around you to either drag you down or lift you up. Poisonous people can destroy your goal by systematically draining you of your passion and desire and replacing it with total pessimism! Passionate and positive people can invigorate you with renewed energy and a mind set on the dream. Get around people who will energize you!

Act on your goals each and every day.
Even if it is just a small step, it will leave you closer to your goal each and every day. If you have a savings goal, set aside even one dollar a day. Take a jar and empty your change into it at the end of each day. If you want to write a book, write each day, if even just two paragraphs! Small, step-by-step actions will produce the goal – guaranteed!

Be persistent!
I have long said that if the three most important words in real estate are “location,” “location,” “location,” then the three most important words in getting what you desire are “persistence,” “persistence,” “persistence.” In fact, be tenaciously persistent. Be ruthlessly persistent. Look, there will be all sorts of barriers and obstacles you will have to overcome if you want to achieve your dream. Dreams don’t just roll over and die. You have to attack them! Go for it and don’t give up! They can, and will, be yours!

Can you get your goals – guaranteed? And you will, if you put into practice the above principles.

If you…

Be realistic.
Memorize your goals.
Visualize your goals.
Set time frames.
Spend time and money on your goals.
Surround yourself with positive people.
Act on your goals every day and…
Be persistent.

You can get your goals – guaranteed!