THE POWER OF SAYING, "NO"

"No" is such a simple word.

only two letters. Yet saying "No" out loud is harder for most people than saying, "I'll be glad to..." (eleven letters)or "When do you need me to..." (seventeen letters).

Most of us said, "No!" quite well when we were two. After all, it's the two-year-old's job to say "No." The authority figures in our lives at the time, our parents, expect us to say "No." And it is because of "No" that the year is known as the Terrible Two's. Many of us grow up to be people pleasers. The word "No" drops out of our vocabulary, and we substitute lots of ways to be agreeable and keep the other person happy. Saying "No" to the authority figures is not expected. And underneath it all we believe that saying "No" can cost us a lot in our adult life.

The unassertive "No" is accompanied by weak excuses and rationalizations. If you lack confidence when you say "No" you may think that you need to support your "No" with lots of reasons to convince the other person that you mean it.

You might even make up an excuse to support your "No." This can backfire if the lie is exposed and again, you will sound ineffective because you need to have an excuse to support your stand.

The aggressive "No" is done with contempt. "Are you kidding? Me, get your mail while you're out of town?"

Sometimes the aggressive "No" includes an attack on the person making the request. "You must be crazy. I couldn't take on a project that unimportant."

The assertive "No" is simple and direct. "No, I won't be able to help with that." If you would like to offer an explanation, make it short and simple. "No, I won't be able to help with that. I've already made a commitment for Friday afternoon."

Strategies to make the assertive "No" easier

1. When someone makes a request, it is always OK to *ASK FOR TIME TO THINK IT OVER*. In thinking it over, remind yourself that the decision is entirely up to you.

2. Use your nonverbal assertiveness to underline the "No." Make sure that your voice is firm and direct. Look into the person's eyes as you say, "No." Shake your head "No," as you say, "No."

3. Remember that "No," is an honorable response. If you decide that "No," is the answer that you prefer to give, then it is authentic and honest for you to say, "No."

4. If you say, "Yes," when you want to say, "No," you will feel resentful throughout whatever you agreed to do. This costs you energy and discomfort and is not necessary if you just say, "No" when you need to.

5. If you are saying, "No," to someone whom you would help under different circumstances, use an empathic response to ease the rejection. For example, to your friend who needs you to keep her child while she goes to the doctor, you might say, "No, Susie, I can't keep Billie for you. I know it must be hard for you to find someone at that time of day, but I have already made lunch plans and I won't be able to help you.

6. Start your sentence with the word, "No." It's easier to keep the commitment to say, "No," if it's the first word out of your mouth.

Practicing for the World Series

Let's look at some daily ways you can practice saying, "No," so that it comes more naturally to you. Paulette Dale in her book, Did You Say Something, Susan? suggests some simple ways to practice saying, "No." Here are some of her suggestions:

Say "No,"
to the clerk who wants to write your phone number down
when you return something to the store;
to the telemarketer who disturbs your dinner;
to the perfume demonstrator at the department store;
to your friend's pets when they jump on you;
to the secretary who answers the phone and asks if you mind if she puts you on hold.

Make it a project to say, "No," to something every day.

When you do, notice it and give yourself credit for practicing saying such an important two letter word.

- by Linda D Tillman

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION KNOW HOW

It's no secret that everyone wants to be popular with others. You want to be liked and respected by your friends, family, and associates.

Above all, you want to like and respect yourself, and to feel yourself to be a valuable and important person. Fortunately, everything you do that makes other people feel good about themselves makes you feel good about yourself as well. You can actually improve the way you feel by making other people feel important. This is the key to great personal relationships.

The Easiest Way

The first need that each person has is for acceptance. Whenever you express unconditional acceptance of another person, his or her self-esteem goes up. The person feels valuable and important as a unique and special individual.

An Attitude of Gratitude

The need for appreciation is a deep subconscious desire of every person you meet. When you satisfy this need, you will become one of the most popular people in your world. And what is the key to expressing gratitude and appreciation? Simple. Just say, "thank you" on every occasion.

The Deepest Craving of All

Perhaps the deepest emotional need that people have is the desire for praise and approval. Each person is deeply affected by the quality and quantity of approval they get from others, especially others who they respect very much.

Looking Good

Another way to build self-esteem in others, and to make them feel important, is to express admiration on every occasion. Make it a policy to admire people for their accomplishments, behaviors, possessions, and personality traits.

Practice "White Magic"

This means practice listening closely to others when they are talking. It is one of the most powerful self-esteem building behaviors of all. Whenever you listen attentively to another, their heart rate speeds up. They feel happier and more valuable. They like and respect you more as a result. The more you listen closely to another person, the more that person feels that you are important and valuable as well.

Four Keys to Listening

The keys to effective listening are simple. First, listen attentively, without interrupting. Second, pause before replying. Don’t rush in with whatever is on your mind. Third, questions for clarification by asking, "how do you mean?" Finally, feed it back in your own words.

The Great Design

As Aristotle said, "Man is a social animal." We live our lives within the context of our relationships with others. The more and better relationships we have, the happier and busier we are. The more you stay involved with other people, the longer you will live and the more enjoyable will be those years.

Action Exercise

Pick out the person that you like the least that you deal with on a day to day basis. Next time you see that person admire something about them. You can comment on their dress, grooming, work or even their possessions. You will be surprised how differently that person will react to you in the future.

3 SIMPLE STEPS TO POSITIONING SUCCESS AS A LEADER

Anyone can use a simple 3-step process to crystallize their unique perspective and position themselves as a leader in their field.

1. Define: Take some time to get clear about what it is you stand for. What expertise do you have in your field? If you had just one hour to share your most valuable information with someone starting out in your field today, what would you tell them? Get your thoughts together on this, and give yourself the gift of clarity in this area.

2. Execute: Write your thoughts in a well-organized, carefully crafted form. it can be anything from a a series of blog posts, to a longer form such as a white paper, or even a full-length book. Whatever form it takes, get your thoughts into a format that will give you both leverage and credibility.

3. Publicize: Once you’ve gotten your ideas into print form, get the word out. Tell the world just what you believe and how people can go deeper on your topic. Share links to your good works, and don’t be afraid to promote your ideas through multiple exposures.

It’s not that complicated to prepare for your big opportunity, but it does require some focused effort. It takes a willingness to invest the time to get clear on the things you stand for as a leader in your own particular field. Whatever you have to say, you can be sure that someone is waiting right now for your own brand of expertise.

Why not get started today?

THE SCIENCE OF SUCCESS

Last week on our Get Done call, I casually
referred  to (and probably mangled) Jim Rohn's observation
that, "Success is neither magical nor mysterious. Success is
the natural consequence of consistently applying the basic
fundamentals." During the Q&A at the end of the call,
Jenny from New York mentioned that she had never thought
about success as a skill-driven, predictable process.
Something clicked in my brain. I've always thought of
success--in any area of life--as a set of skills that can be
mastered and applied to achieve anything we truly want.
Success is the predictable result of doing the things that
others have done to create or achieve the results we want in
our lives. As Tony Robbins has said, "success is the logical
result of doing the things winners have done."
Success and achievement in life--from parenting to fitness
to money or time management, to wealth, fame, power or
athletic prowess--is the result of mastering the
fundamentals. It's about approaching the task as a problem
to be solved, as a set of skills to be learned and applied.
In that sense, as long as we live in a predictable, orderly
universe, success is basically an engineering problem. What
a concept!
I anticipate expanding on this in many ways, for a long time
to come. I don't know where it will lead but here are some
of my initial thoughts on the Who, What, Why and How of
success: 1.  Success comes to those who are prepared. Success comes to some people more readily than others, but the difference
has nothing (nothing!) to do with luck or genetic talent or
family background. It comes to people who are balanced,
healthy, and structured. It is not attracted to scenes of
chaos, drama, confusion or impulsivity. Success in the outer
world is built on mastering one's own inner world. Get good
at living on purpose, with balance, enthusiasm, focus and
energy. 2.  Success comes to those who know what it is. Success comes to those who have defined their outcomes in advance,
who know their purpose and are committed to their goals.
Success is not about "a little of this and some of that."
It's not about starting over or giving up when things get
hard. Success is about defining what you want, knowing where
you're going, and pursuing your goals with creative,
persistent determination. 3.  Success comes to those who know why they want it.
Success comes from purpose and passion, from having powerful
reasons for success. Successful people are described as
"driven" by a dream or "pulled" by their sense of mission.
They are rarely distracted, seldom confused and they never
give up. It's often impossible to tell whether they have a
dream or the dream has them. They stay the course because
it's important. They have their reasons. 4.  Success comes to those who know how. Success requires effective strategies, solid plans, a budget, a schedule and
talented partners, coaches and teammates. Success is not
random! We live in a orderly, predictable world and
successful people often spend more time developing their
"blueprint" or "path" than it takes to achieve their goals
once they get into action. Eager, impulsive failures tend to
launch before they are ready. Winners focus on the plan.
They know how their plan is going to work, and they work
their plan.
Happily married couples do certain things over the years.
Successful parents use specific skills, behaviors and
attitudes to help their children grow and develop.
Successful athletes, business leaders and artists have
fundamentals that guide them because success is a set of
skills that you can learn, apply and use. "If you do what
successful people have done, you will get the results
successful people have gotten."