7 WAYS YOUR WORDS SABOTAGE YOUR BUSINESS GROWTH AND RELATIONSHIPS

     

The growth and success of your business depends on building trusting relationships with other people. Ask yourself this one simple question:

Do my words pull people towards me or push them away?

This question requires a willingness on your part to honestly evaluate how you use your words and to what degree they build trust and respect.

I warn you that what you discover may sting a bit.

That was my case when my 21 year old son told me that my words (suggestions) overwhelmed him! Rather than building our relationship, I was pushing him away with too much unsolicited "expert advice." He said that my words were "paralyzing" him. Ouch.

The irony of the situation did not escape me. As a life coach, I help people conquer overwhelm, not create it for them!

Below are 7 ways that words push people away which in turn hinders your relationships, business success and personal growth.

1. Adding too much value
When you consistently share information (or your 2 cents), you may be trying to meet your need to feel good about yourself by establishing your worth. This behavior may cause others to tune you out and/or avoid you.

2. Overuse of NO, BUT, HOWEVER
These qualifiers negate or detract from the value of the first half of your sentence and/or send the message that you're more right than them.
Here's a few examples: I would like to partner with you, BUT you have to buy my product first. (That was actually said to me which led me to believe that they really did NOT want to partner with me) or I like the way you wrote that marketing copy; HOWEVER let's do it this way instead. (Meaning: You're way is not as good as mine)

3. Speaking when angry
Anger is a valid response in some situations AND be aware that it easily hijacks your ability to reason well. Anger can also be used as a way to manipulate, intimidate or overpower people to doing things your way. Anger that's overused and abused does not build trusting and safe relationships.

4. Failing to express gratitude
Take the time to share your gratitude for: someone doing business with you; sending you a referral; saying kind things about you to others; providing a testimonial for you; etc. Failing to do these things takes other people for granted, a form of bad manners.

5. Negativity
Consistently sharing your negative thoughts about others, events, circumstances or anything else will kill a relationship before the seed of trust and respect has even been planted. Too much negativity which includes sarcasm and cynicism drains the life out of people. Plus, people can't help wonder what you say about them.

6. Passing judgment
The act of habitually judging all things and people as "good" or "bad" can easily sabotage your relationships and business. It's a short-term and narrow-sighted perspective that prevents you from seeing the positive potential in people and situations. Even though this is a really hard habit to break, it will change by 1) refraining from instant judgment as "good" or "bad" and 2) asking this question: "What can I learn or how can I grow given this situation and/or person?"

7. An excessive need to be "me"
Have you ever known someone who brutally speaks their mind and justifies it by saying, "I'm just being honest; that's just the way I am?" Or perhaps you've met someone who dominates most conversations and justifies it with "I'm such a people person that I can't help myself." Be wary of exalting your faults as virtues because you have decided not to change your habits.

It is easy to see these word-related behaviors in others before you see them in yourself. If any of these triggered an "A-HA" or an "OH-NO" moment for you, please be comforted in knowing that you can change any and all of these behaviors and it's not too late!

Start using your words powerfully by choosing one or two behaviors from above. Then, develop a plan of action that will make your new behavior a habit. As you execute the changes, you will find your business grow and prosper as your words build trusting and respectful relationships with people.

LEADERSHIP PREPARATION

So you want to be a leader? Or you want to be a better leader? It can be done, you know. No matter where you are in your leadership journey, you CAN move forward. You CAN lead better. You CAN lead more people. You CAN lead your organization to higher ground. Yes, you CAN!
But let me tell you this: You won’t do it via osmosis! It won’t just “happen.” Growing in your leadership is not something that comes from the fairy godmother of leadership. You can’t touch the hem of Jack Welch’s garment and become “Super-Leader!” Oh, that it were that easy!
So what does it take?
Time.
Experience.
Training.
Hard Knocks.
A Mentor.
Discipline.
And a few others.
But let’s start at the very beginning. You want to be a leader. That’s good. You want to be a better leader. That’s good too. But what comes first? Preparation. Leadership Prep. What is it? What needs to happen in order to get yourself ready to become a leader? As you get ready for 2002 and you want to take the next step in your leadership, take these last days of November and go through a little reflection on Leadership Prep.
Before you become the leader you want to be:
Count the cost. Leadership is hard. There will be times that you say, “Leadership isn’t worth it. These people are crazy and I don’t deserve this.” It is true. You don’t deserve it. But you choose it. You choose it because you want to lead people. You want to improve their lives. You see the higher ground that they cannot see and you desire to take them there. It will take time. It will take money. It will sap your strength and energy. Count the cost, my friend. Leadership is not for the weak and timid. Yes, the rewards are great, but so are the sacrifices. Prep yourself for the cost of leadership.
Assess your strengths and weaknesses. Too many people dive into trying to lead and end up dying out because they were not honest with themselves about their strengths and weaknesses. They get going and realize that they should have strengthened themselves in certain areas because now it is killing their ability to lead. If you know your strengths, then you can focus yourself on them and allow yourself to be successful through them. If you are aware of your weaknesses you will be able to stay away from them, or hire to cover them, and thus allow yourself to become even more successful as a leader. So prep yourself by becoming exceedingly clear on your strengths and weaknesses.
Settle in for the marathon, not the sprint. Very few – I mean VERY few – people get big leadership assignments at early ages. And when they do, even fewer of the few see things happen fast in their leadership. No, usually things happen slowly. Why do we think they will happen fast then? Because those are the only stories we hear on TV and read about in magazines. “Twenty-five year old starts business that grows to $20 million a year in sales in JUST TWO YEARS,” Sells a lot better than “Forty-five year old works hard for twenty years and builds lasting business that makes a difference in her community.” Right? Right. So, unless you are one of the chosen few, you will need to prep for a marathon, not a sprint. This is both a mental and emotional adjustment that needs to be made. Prep for the long haul!
Develop a learning attitude. You have perhaps heard it said, “Leaders are readers.” It is true. Even more so, leaders are learners. I don’t know any leader who has attained any level of leadership who doesn’t keep him or herself on the edge of learning. One of my mentors runs a company that you would all know by name – in fact, you probably used one of their products today, no matter where you live in the world – that does billions of dollars a year in revenue (Yes, with a “b”) and he still takes time each year to go to a school of leadership! He is already a tremendously successful leader yet he is still working on it! THAT is a learning attitude! If you want to lead, prep yourself for it by developing a learning attitude.
Acquire a love for people. In reality, we do not lead organizations or businesses. No, we lead people. We are successful if we know how to lead people. People are the name of the game. And the best way to become a leader of people is to love people. Others can tell instinctually whether or not we love them and have their best interests at heart. If they do not know that we care for them they will not follow. Leadership is the art of directing people who we care for and desire to help. In other words, we love people. If you have an issue with people, chances are you are not ready to lead them. To prep yourself for leadership, acquire a love for people. If the other things are in place, then they will want to follow you.
You CAN become a leader. I truly believe that. If you are already a leader, I know you can become better. Take a long, hard look at yourself and see if perhaps there are some areas you need to prep yourself in regard to leadership so that when you really get going you don’t have to stop and go back!
Leadership Prep – that’s the place to start!

 

WAY BEYOND REASONABLE

Consumers have a world of choices for even the most mundane
purchases. We have a dozen grocery and convenience stores
near us. There are hundreds of dentists, doctors, lawyers
and accountants in Eugene.
So what makes people go out of their way to do business
with you?
Recently, a friend told me about a wonderful experience he
had when GM agreed to pay for work on his vehicle even
though it was 35,000 miles out of warranty. In a less
dramatic story, we recently got Toyota to service the air
conditioner in Mary's car even though it was out of
warranty. Those stories turn customers into "fanatics!"
I've often told the story of Fiddler's Green, a golf shop
here in Eugene that claims to be the largest on-course pro-
shop in the world. People drive hundreds of miles to buy
golf clubs, bags and accessories from "Fid's" because of
their extraordinary service. They greet you at the door,
and they always have exactly what you're looking for.
My favorite story is about a golf bag they replaced free of
charge. I used it for over two years and had worn it out.
But I liked it and wanted to get a new one like it. The
owner talked with me, said he'd "see what I can do, it
should last longer than that." He made a phone call, then
handed me a brand new bag. Now I'm telling you--and
recommending Fiddler's Green to about 40,000 people.
What do people say about you and your business? How many
"fanatics" do you have? It only takes a handful of loyal,
life-long customers to make any business successful, but
too often we focus our attention (and budgets) on
advertising to get new customers in the door. That's a very
expensive way to do business!
Amaze your customers. Astonish them. Go way beyond
"reasonable" and you'll build an empire, make your fortune
and have fun doing it. Go beyond "reasonable."

TAKING INVENTORY

Most states in the US require that every business shut down
periodically to take inventory. It’s essential to
physically count the products on the shelves, to re-
calculate the value of equipment, supplies and other
physical items that make the company run. The law requires
this for equipment and products for sale, right down to the
smallest items on the shelves.
Smart companies also do it with regard to their people and
their skills.
Jack Welch is famous for saying that at General Electric he
wanted a 10% turn-over in personnel every year. The bottom
ten percent were encouraged to find other employment
because he wanted only the very best, the most highly
motivated and the most creative people working for him.
That may sound harsh, even heartless, but he made two vital
points.

(1) Do you really want unproductive people in your
organization? And

(2) no one benefits from having people in
positions that don't suit them.

We actually do people a favor when we gently but firmly encourage them to go where
their talents and abilities will be better utilized, and
the company is definitely better off. Under Welch's
leadership, GE grew to be one of the world's great
companies.
Too often, in small businesses and professional offices,
owners fail in this vital obligation.
From time to time, step back. Get some outside advice and
perspective. Have the courage to judge yourself and your
people in terms of productivity, in terms of ability, and
in terms of best fit. If your company isn't producing the
results you expect, it may be time to take a careful
inventory not just of the products on the shelves, but of
the people on your team.
This is where an outside coach can be particularly helpful.
Every week, get on the phone with an objective person who
can tell you what they see, and help you with the difficult
decisions. Take inventory! You'll be glad you did.

5 WAYS TO CULTIVATE PATIENCE

OK, this is an old joke, so forgive me if you've heard it. A psychologist is giving a talk and describes how every couple has its own unique frequency of making love. She then asks people in the audience to state how often they have sex. Hands shot up as she called out "Once a day?" "Several days a week?" "Once a week?" and so on. At the end of her questioning, a fellow in the back of the room was frantically waving his hand. When she called on him, he screamed exuberantly, "Once a year!"

"If you only make love once a year, why are you so excited?"

"Tonight's the night!"

This joke has been on my mind since the great Brood II locust infestation of 2013 started back in May. These lowly critters have waited 17 years to see the light of day, do their reproductive duty, and then die. As Sara Maslin Nir pointed out in a New York Times essay, the 17-year locust cycle, like the passing of Halley's comet and transit of Venus, are so rare as to be "metaphors for the virtues of patience itself."

While locusts obviously don't have any conscious capability for experiencing "patience," the occasion of their burrowing to the surface for a brief stay on earth does make one think: How can we, with our greatly evolved super brains, become more patient beings. Here are some thoughts.

Five ways to be patient:

1. Pay attention to what's making you feel like you're in a hurry.
Our minds are constantly jumping from thought to thought, task to task, worry to worry. We live interrupted lives, punctuated with distractions that come at us from all sides. Multi-tasking is the norm. (Even though there's strong evidence that shows there's no such thing!) All this adds up to a state of hurry. Here's a little trick that I like to call "number it." There are two steps to the "number it" process: (1) list and number all of the things that are pulling you every which way, and (2) reduce the list to things that have to be done. These steps alone will illuminate the insanity of the jumping mind and the value of slowing down.

2. Take your mind to obedience school and learn the command "Sit!"
Sounds trite, but when you break the impatience mode, even for a second, you have a chance to make a choice: (a) continue business as usual, or (b) opt out for a moment of patience. Saying sit reminds you of option B. Patience not only relaxes you, it also offers that wonderful state of being that we call "peace of mind," which has an incredible effect of the quality of life.

3. Take a time out to notice all of the good things that life offers you.
Begin by noticing that every time you breathe in, there is fresh air available. That, right there is wonderful, and it is only one of ten thousand ways that life supports you, every day, with living a great life. When you pause to notice, you'll appreciate how much more life is in your favor rather than against you. Just realizing this calms you, which in turn promotes patience.

4. Let go until you feel underwhelmed.
The feeling of impatience is often a consequence of feeling overwhelmed. You never achieve patience through brute force or rushing. I think of the idea of being underwhelmed as the calm state that comes with letting go of anxious feelings that destroy the easiness of life. The best way to let go is to breathe deeply and stretch your hands, letting this remind you that it is wise to stretch out your jobs, too. By just prioritizing your tasks and committing to do them one at a time, you loosen the grip that feeling overwhelmed has on you.

5. Be patient with your patience.
Patience requires a change of attitude. This cannot always happen with the flip of a switch. A great way to create a new attitude is to ask yourself, "What's the bigger picture here?" This creates a state of productive curiosity that helps you to realize how many good things often happen over time. Don't get too deep or complex about the big picture; simply know that when you broaden your perspective, you interrupt old patterns of impatience, which immediately opens the door to a fresh, new attitude.

Finally, remember that many of life's miracles often do not happen quickly; they require patience. Illnesses and wounds heal best with patience. Life often reveals its mysteries with patience. Difficult problems sometimes solve themselves with patience. We grow into healthy, functioning adults with patience. Impatience is self-destructive because you tie yourself down with a rope of unhealthy thoughts -- you now have five ways to cut the rope.

THE THREE SKILLS OF ORDINARY GENIUS

I’m convinced that a great life is rarely built on a brilliant
flash of inspiration or profound insight. Even less often
is a remarkable life built on rare genius. Mostly, great
lives are built by ordinary people, doing ordinary things,
but doing them extraordinarily well.
Do you remember the old cliché that even the rich and
famous "put their pants on one leg at a time?" I've always
loved that insight. It gives me hope to be like my heroes!
This week I read Stephen Ambrose' biography of President
Dwight Eisenhower. "Ike" was one of the great heroes of
World War II and arguably one of our better presidents. But
he wasn't brilliant in terms of IQ. He was in the middle of
his class at West Point, and no one saw him as a unique
talent. Ambrose makes the comment that if one promotion
that eventually sent him to work in Washington had gone
differently, "the world would never have heard of Col.
Eisenhower." How true! And, in a wonderful way, how
inspiring!
Eisenhower did have three great gifts, but they were
"ordinary" gifts that we each have in abundance and that we
can leverage in our own lives.
First, he worked very, very hard. He was up early, stayed
late, immersed himself in each task until it was done right
and on time. His genius was the "ordinary genius" of
dedication, duty and discipline. I may not be able to copy
that exactly, but I can certainly learn from it. I can do
my best and appreciate the results of "out-working the
competition."
The second of Eisenhower's great gifts was his ability to
focus on things that mattered, the few things that make all
the difference! Most of us work hard. In fact, I've argued
that many of us work much too hard because our time, our
energy and our focus is on things that don’t really matter.
We "sweat the small stuff," and "major in minor things."
Ike never did that. Even those who criticized him always
acknowledged his gift for calmly assessing a situation and
spotting the leverage point that made all the difference.
For months before D-Day, June 6th 1944, he met with his
chief meteorologist every single day. He knew that guns and
ships and strategy were important, but ultimately the
invasion would depend on the weather and he wanted to
personally assess the skills of his chief forecaster. In
the end, on a stormy night with rain pelting against the
windows, he made the decision to "go" because he trusted
his weatherman. He knew he would get a 6-hour window of
clearing weather (for the D-Day invasion! A 6-hour window!)
and that was all he needed. The course of the war changed
over-night because Ike focused on the weather and knew his
meteorologists could be trusted.
Finally, Eisenhower had the gift of choosing the right
people and relying on them. He frequently refused to work
with people if they were unreliable or ineffective. He
wanted the best people around him. Notably, after giving
the order to "go" on June 5th, Ike went to bed. There was
literally nothing more for him to do! All the orders, all
the staff work, all the plans were in capable hands and his
work (for the moment) was done. He didn't try to do it all
himself. He chose good people, delegated responsibility and
trusted that the right things would be done, in the right
way, at the right time.
For me, there is great hope in this! Ike wasn't some genius
beyond my ability. To the contrary, much of his achievement
came from knowing three skills that I (or anyone) can
learn. He worked hard. He could identify the key leverage
points. He chose to work and associate with the best people
he could find, and he trusted them. I can do this, and so
can you.

YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE A PLAN!

Philip Humbert had a remarkable conversation with a woman who
has built, and nearly lost, a great business. She launched
it in 1996 with little more than a dream and a few dollars
in her "hobby" account, and quickly built it to almost 17
million dollars a year in sales. Unfortunately, this year
her sales will be about half of that.
This terrible loss has nothing to do with a recession,
unemployment or the economy. It has everything to do with
the fact that she never made the shift from having a
thrilling "hobby" to being the leader of a thriving
business.
Without a plan and an organizational chart, she continues
to be the driving force behind every sale, every decision,
and every innovation. She works horrendous hours, sometimes
even packing and shipping orders herself on the weekends.
Sometimes she micro-manages; at other times she pulls back
so dramatically that instead of delegating, she abdicates.
Her employees are frustrated and her business is falling
apart!
Every business needs an organizational chart! Every
business, even a child's lemonade stand, needs to know who
squeezes the lemons, who handles sales, and who does the
accounting. Sometimes, in a micro-business, it may all be
done by the same person, but each role is distinct and this
should be recognized and documented.
Every business must know who their best customers are.
Every business must have a marketing plan, a budget, and an
R&D team. Every business needs a business plan that is
current and reviewed often.

STOP JUST WRITING ABOUT YOUR PAST AND START WRITING ABOUT YOUR FUTURE!

“The history of free men is never written by chance, but by choice – their choice.” Dwight D. Eisenhower.
Many people spend a lot of time on their history. Some do it purposefully with such hobbies as journaling, while others simply write and rewrite their history over and over in their minds. Depending upon the way you go about this, this can be good or bad. If you are doing it so you can reflect back on your life, that’s good. If you are doing it so you can learn from your past, that’s good too. Unfortunately, many people do it simply as a subconscious act of running themselves into the ground over and over.
What you “write” in your mind is an act of mental discipline, just as what you write on a sheet of paper is a discipline. Keep that in mind.
So if this is true, that we can make a choice as to what we want to write, both literally and figuratively, we have an extraordinary opportunity!
Instead of going over and over our past, we can choose to write our future! Have you ever thought about writing your future before it even happens to you? Well now you can – and you will!
Here is a process that will let you determine and write your own future!
Choose to choose your own future. If you don’t make the decision to accept responsibility for your own future, then you are choosing to not write your future. You must choose to choose. Do you?
Determine what you want your future to be. Be specific.
What do you want to earn?
Where do you want to live?
What do you want to weigh?
What do you want to do for a living?
What do you want to do in your leisure time?
How much do you want to retire on?
If you don’t know the answers to these questions then you may as well not even begin to write your future. Take some time to answer them fully.
Get a good understanding of your strengths and weaknesses. If you are going to write your future, you will have to have a sober understanding of what you are good at and what you are not particularly good at. Maybe ask a good friend or your spouse to give you an honest appraisal of your strengths and weaknesses.
Focus on playing to your strengths while ever improving your weaknesses. Be sure that what you are doing is utilizing your strengths to their fullest. And you don’t want to forget your weaknesses, even while you are trying to stay away from them. Instead, set smaller goals for improvement in your areas of weakness while you set grand goals for the areas you are strongest in!
Start putting only information into your mind that will benefit the fulfillment of the kind of life you are writing about. For example, if you have a hard time spending money rather than saving it, you should probably cancel all of the catalogs that come each day that entice you to spend. Instead, spend the time you would have spent thumbing through catalogs going through financial growth material instead.
Discipline yourself to spend your time in a manner that will help you get to your goals. For example, cut out five hours of television a week and spend that time on your goals instead. That would be a difference of 260 hours in the next year! Wow! What could you do with another 260 hours? Almost anything!
You do not have to be a paper cup blowing to and fro in the wind! You do not have to live at the whims of other people or circumstances. You CAN choose your future! You can write it out just the way you want it to happen! Yes, ups and downs will come but you will outlast them and eventually arrive at your destiny. Then, when you get to the end of your life, you will know how it all turns out because you will have been the author!
 Get going – write your future!

---

THE POWER OF SMALL STEPS

One of the most common challenges clients bring to coaching
is the question of how to achieve their most important
goals. Often, they have important personal or business
goals but they are not achieving them, and in fact, they
often tell me they are not even getting started. How to
help them?
There are many possible reasons for this, of course, but
the question of "why" they are making so little progress is
rarely very important. Who cares "why" we don't make
progress? The key is to find a SOLUTION and start making
real progress toward your most important goals. What we're
looking for is reasonable progress in reasonable time! What
we want is to get and keep moving in the right direction,
day after day!
Here are three of the most common solutions we explore
together:
1.  Clarify the REAL desire. 
Clients often assume that a coach will be a huge fan of
"goal setting" and are surprised to learn that I'm actually
rather suspicious of most goal-setting programs. Now,
having clear goals is a good thing--I've even written a
book on setting value-driven goals--but most people spend
far too much time setting false goals.
We've all done it. It's New Year's, and we "have to" create
some targets for the coming year. Or, the boss sends us to
a motivational seminar and we are told to come back with a
set of written goals. Obviously, we do what we're told,
whether they reflect our passions and desires, or not. Or,
to pick some other common themes, we all want to lose
weight, manage our time or spend less, so we set that as a
"goal" because it sounds good. No wonder we fail!
Those are NOT true goals! Those are exercises to please
our boss, our spouse or our conscience! Most of the time
they are also exercises in futility. Don't do that to
yourself!
The solution is obvious: Define what you really want and
set that as your goal, whether anyone else is on-board or
even understands what you're trying to do. It's your life!
Set goals that excite you! Most people are actually pretty
good at achieving goals IF the goal is realistic, IF they
have a clear plan, and IF they really, really want it.
2.  Create a SYSTEM for achievement.
Weight Watchers(tm), Alcoholic Anonymous and other support
groups work because they create an environment where people
are supported and encouraged to succeed, every step of the
way.
Too many people set goals and try to achieve them in
isolation. Human beings are social creatures and we do our
best when our friends are cheering us on, offering support,
giving advice and making it easy for us to succeed.
Surround yourself with people, posters, music, tools and
models that make it easier to succeed than to fail! Arrange
your life so that everything around you (your "Eco-System")
pulls your forward! If you would like more detail on this,
I've written a book on creating Personal Eco-Systems(tm)
that support us to be strong, persistent and successful.
The key is to design your life so that it is actually much,
much harder to fail than to succeed. Make success the
natural, ordinary and predictable result of your daily
work. You'll still "fail" occasionally, but it should
arouse surprise and curiosity, not discouragement.
Design elegant, robust systems for success!
3.  Take SMALL steps.
Too often we try to take giant leaps, when we are far more
likely to achieve our goals with a series of small, safe,
painless baby-steps. 
Giant leaps are fun and dramatic, but they can also be up-
setting. They change our world and confuse people. That's
one reason many people, after losing weight in a hurry,
gain it back just as quickly. They've changed "who they
are," including their body image, their ward-robe, diet and
lifestyle, and the brain naturally misses the old, familiar
patterns. 
The wisdom of experience tells us to slow down and take
smaller steps.
Today, take one small step in the direction you want to go.
Save a dollar, if saving money is one of your goals. Skip
desert if losing weight is a goal. Compliment your spouse
if you want a closer, more loving relationship.
Take small steps, but take them every single day. Take the
smallest, safest, easiest step you can, but keep moving in
the direction you want to go. If you like the results,
simply do it again tomorrow, and the day after that, and
one more time, the day after that. To achieve great things,
keep walking, one step at a time, in the direction of your
goal.

HOW TO BE AN EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATOR

A young man whom I had known since he was in high school stopped by to see me and proudly display his new MBA.

“I know a master’s degree alone doesn’t guarantee success,” he said. “What do you think is the most important quality for someone who wants to become a business leader?”

I answered without hesitation: The ability to communicate.

Individuals who communicate effectively with people at all levels, of both genders, and from a variety of cultures and backgrounds are today’s pacesetters.

In the old-style hierarchical, authoritarian setting, communication is relatively simple. The top person tells the underlings to jump, and the underlings need only ask, “How high?”

In a modern organization, communication requires more finesse. The leader is not a transmitter of commands but a creator of motivational environments.

The workers are not robots responding to switches and levers, but thinking individuals pouring their ingenuity into the corporate purpose.

The corporate ideal is not mechanical stability, but dynamic, innovative, continuous change.

The leader who can’t communicate can’t create the conditions that motivate. The genius who can’t communicate is intellectually impotent. The organization that can’t communicate can’t change, and the corporation that can’t change is dead.
The good news is that anyone can become an effective communicator. The door to effective communication will open to anyone who uses these five keys:

1. Desire.
Human infants have an inborn desire to communicate, and that desire enables them to pick up words quickly and to enlarge their vocabularies continuously.

That same kind of desire can enable you to enlarge your stock of words and improve your skill in employing them. Demosthenes, the Greek orator, had a desire to achieve eloquence after he was hissed and booed off the platform in Athens.

He cultivated the art of speech writing, then went to the shores of the Aegean Sea, where he strengthened his voice by shouting into the wind for hours at a time.

To improve his diction, he practiced speaking with pebbles in his mouth. To overcome his fear, he practiced with a sword hanging over his head. To clarify his presentation, he studied the techniques of the masters.

Today, more than 2,000 years later, the name Demosthenes is synonymous with oratorical eloquence.

2. Understanding the Process.
Reduced to basics, communication consists of sending and receiving messages.

Language is the primary conveyor of thoughts and ideas. It turns abstract concepts into words that symbolize those thoughts. Those words take the form of spoken sounds or written symbols.

If the mind can immediately translate the sounds and symbols into mental pictures, communication becomes much more vivid and much more meaningful. If I say “I want a desk for my office,” my listener has only a vague and general idea of what I want. If I say “I want a brown walnut desk,” the listener has a more vivid mental picture.

The more skillful you become at conveying images, the more effective your communication will be.

3. Master the basic skills.
Some people think the first requisite for good communication is an exhaustive vocabulary. Some people think it’s impossible to communicate well without first absorbing a heavy dose of grammar, then memorizing a dictionary of English usage.

Words are important. Good grammar is important. And yes, it helps to know which words and expressions are considered standard and which are considered substandard among educated people.

But slavish allegiance to the rules of grammar can actually impede communication. People will sometimes go to great lengths to avoid usage that somebody has pronounced “ungrammatical” or “substandard.” In the process, they forget the most important rule of communication: Make it clear and understandable.

The vocabulary you use in every-day speech has probably served you well. You use the words that you understand. Chances are, they’re the words your friends, colleagues and employees understand.

If you try to use words beyond the vocabularies of the people you’re trying to communicate with, you’re not communicating; you’re showing off.

Read the Gettysburg Address, the Sermon on the Mount or Robert Frost’s poetry. The communications that endure are written in plain, simple language.

4. Practice.
I remember a story that gave me inspiration. A young musician had listened with awe as a piano virtuoso poured all his love and all his skill into a complex selection of great compositions.

“It must be great to have all the practicing behind you and be able to sit down and play like that,” he said.

“Oh,” said the master musician, “I still practice eight hours every day.”

“But why?” asked the astounded young man. “You’re already so good!”

“I want to become superb,” replied the older man.

I teach communication skills to thousands of people each year, through seminars, audio tapes, videotapes and books. Most of the people I reach are content to become good. Few are willing to invest the extra effort to become superb.

To become superb, you have to practice. It isn’t enough to know what it takes to connect with people, to influence their behavior, to create a motivational environment for them, to help them to identify with your message. The techniques of communication have to become part of your daily activity, so that they are as natural to you as swimming is to a duck. The more you practice these techniques, the easier you’ll find it to connect with people, whether you’re dealing with individuals one-on-one or with a group of thousands.

5. Patience.
Nobody becomes a polished, professional communicator on the first try. It takes patience. A few years ago, William White, a journalism and English instructor, edited a book of early writings by Ernest Hemingway. The young Hemingway was a reporter for a Toronto newspaper, and this book was a collection of his articles written between 1920 and 1924.

The writing was good, but it was not superb. It gave a faint fore-gleam of the masterful storyteller who would emerge in The Old Man and the Sea, but it wasn’t the Hemingway of literary legend.

What was lacking?

Experience. The genius was there all along, but it needed to incubate. The sands of time can abrade or polish. It depends on whether you use your time purposely or let it pass haphazardly.

Acquiring skill as a communicator requires constant, careful, loving attention to the craft.

The cub reporter didn’t transform himself into a successful novelist through one blinding flash of literary insight. Like most people, he progressed from the “good” to the “superb” through hundreds of tiny improvements from day to day.

You can use the five keys to effective communication in many settings, under a variety of circumstances. You can be a virtuoso at inspiring your work force, at negotiating business deals, at marketing your products and at building a positive corporate image. All these are important communication skills. But always remember: Whatever communication task you undertake, your objective is to connect with people.