OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF REJECTION

Did you know that a major source of stress in your life is the "fear of rejection" or "fear of criticism?" This fear of rejection manifests itself in an over-concern for the approval or disapproval of your boss or other people. The fear of rejection is often learned in early childhood as the result of a parent giving the child what psychologists call "conditional love."

Rise Above the Need For Approval

Many parents made the mistake of giving love and approval to their children only when their children did something that they wanted them to do. A child who has grown up with this kind of conditional love tends to seek unconditional approval from others all his or her life. When the child becomes an adult, this need for approval from the parent is transferred to the workplace and onto the boss. The adult employee can then become preoccupied with the opinion of the boss. This preoccupation can lead to an obsession to perform to some undetermined high standard.

Avoid Type A Behavior

Doctors Rosenman and Friedman, two San Francisco heart specialists, have defined this obsession for performance as "Type A behavior." Experts have concluded that approximately 60% of men and as many as 30% of women are people with Type A behavior.

Don't Burn Yourself Out

This Type A behavior can vary from mild forms to extreme cases. People who are what they call "true Type A's" usually put so much pressure on themselves to perform in order to please their bosses that they burn themselves out. They often die of heart attacks before the age of 55. This Type A behavior, triggered by conditional love in childhood, is a very serious stress-related phenomenon in the American workplace.

Action Exercises

Here are two things you can do immediately to deal with the fear of rejection, criticism, and disapproval. First, realize and accept that the opinions of others are not important enough for you to feel stressed, unhappy or overly concerned about them. Even if they dislike you entirely, it has nothing to do with your own personal worth and value as a person. Second, refuse to be overly concerned about what you think people are thinking about you. The fact is that most people are not thinking about you at all. Relax and get on with your life.

3 OVER-LOOKED ESSENTIALS TO ACHIEVEMENT

This week I spoke to a group of professionals about
achieving their goals and making more sales in 2019. They
wanted to focus on the "missing links" that prevent them
from achieving the results they desire in business and in
life.
It was a challenging presentation because these are not
"ordinary" people! They know all about written goals. They
know about motivational seminars and using competitions to
increase performance. And yet, like most people, they were
frustrated. Like most of us, they have "tried" and they
have "done the right things" and yet often fail to cross
the finish line. What are the missing pieces?
After briefly reviewing the fundamentals of having written
goals, a clear strategy and intermediate benchmarks or
"baby-steps" to move yourself forward, I gave them three
suggestions to fill in the missing links and achieve their
dreams:
1. Focus on personal development. I love Jim Rohn's quote
that "everything changes when you change!" And I also note
the corollary: "nothing changes until you change." To live
a different life requires that you grow to become a different
person.
If you want different results, it's never enough to focus
only on the mechanics! We all know stories of people who
win the lottery or have other huge changes in external
circumstances, but within a short time their lives look
remarkably the same. To achieve your goals, become the
person you want to be!
High achievers read different books. They watch different
shows. They use time differently. They walk and talk and
think differently. And so should you.
2. Enrich your environment. To a remarkable degree, we
are all creatures of our surroundings. It may sound odd,
but our lives reflect our furniture! We all know our
behavior changes in a fancy restaurant, or when visiting
our in-law’s. We become a different person at a funeral
compared to a ball game. Our behavior always reflects
our environment.
To achieve your dreams, create a world that supports you.
Whether it's your office, your car or your kitchen, live in
a world that reminds you of your priorities, a world that
energizes you and pulls you forward. This doesn't
necessarily require a major investment, but it does require
attention to detail. 

3. Choose mentors wisely. Over time, we become like our
friends. Consciously and unconsciously we model our behavior
after the people we admire and respect.
Work with mentors!
The way to learn any skill is to work with someone who can
teach you! Learn from your friends, from colleagues, from
competitors. By reading biographies, you can even learn
from dead people! Winners hang out with and learn from
winners. Surround yourself with wise and accomplished
mentors!
Thousands of books have been written on goal-setting,
motivation and achievement, but most of them focus on the
easy part-developing written goals, setting deadlines and
so forth. Unfortunately, they neglect the "human" side of
personal development, supportive environments and the need
for mentors. Too often goal-setting becomes an exercise in
failure. Don't do that to yourself!

WHAT IF YOU NEVER HAD TO WORK?

There is a famous question that has helped people clarify their goals for generations. It usually goes something like this: "If you never had to work for the rest of your life, what would you do just because you love it so much?"
This week I've been reading about a man who faced that exact situation.
I read Empire, Barlett and Steele's biography of Howard Hughes, who inherited his father's business and became a millionaire before his 20th birthday. What struck me is that he never had to work a day in his life.
Now, clearly Hughes had a troubled life and he's an easy person to criticize. He was eccentric and mentally ill. He did many things I consider immoral. But one thing he didn't have to do was work.
Yes, he was a playboy and I doubt that he worked very hard by most people's standards, but he constantly set goals. He shattered records for trans-continental and around-the-world flights. He spent millions making movies that stand as innovations and classics even today. He built the largest airplane ever made, and built it out of plywood! While his interests were often undisciplined and mis-guided, he pursued them with single-minded passion, and no one can deny that he GOT THINGS DONE.
Clearly, I do not view Hughes as a model for my own life except in this one area: He knew what he wanted and he went after it.
In my work as a coach and keynote speaker I meet incredibly talented people. I meet people with the resources to change the world in amazing ways! Their raw talent often takes my breath away!
And yet many of them actually achieve very little because they never decide what to do with their lives.
They can have and do so many things that they think they can have it all.
Television, the internet, books and movies bring the world into our homes and offices. We are educated. Opportunity is all around us, and too often we end up confused and over-whelmed.
This week I talked with an amazing woman. She is physically beautiful, young, healthy, and educated. Her work has been praised internationally. She leads an incredibly rich life, and yet she is frustrated and nearly broke. She wants to be a wife and mother, and a nationally-acclaimed writer and speaker. She is owns a dynamic business, and (of course) she is exhausted.
While I admire her enormously, I declined to be her coach for one primary reason. Instead of looking for ways to focus her activities, she wants coaching to help her “get more done.” She will not choose, and she does not delegate, and I saw little chance for real change in her life.
In our own ways, many of us fall into the same trap.
We have our work, our families, our hobbies and our dreams. We have options and choices and we refuse to choose. We are unwilling to say "no" to any of it, so we become unable to say a clear, powerful "YES!"
For all of his faults (and there were many of them) and for all the craziness (and there was lots of it), Howard Hughes knew the power of focus. He could say a clear, resounding YES! to the things that interested him. Even when it meant ignoring enormous pressures and losing millions of dollars, he concentrated on a FEW THINGS and achieved incredible results. He knew his priorities, even when the rest of the world thought he was crazy.
We can learn from that.

END PROCASTINATION NOW!

People ask me how to over-come procrastination to achieve
their goals and create the life they truly want. I believe
there are two essential steps for dealing with
procrastination and taking action to make your dreams come
true.
The situation is familiar: We have a vision or goal, and
know it is within our reach. It may not be simple or easy,
but we KNOW it's possible - if only we would get started.
But we don't. We procrastinate. We plan and dream and talk,
but we don't take the essential actions that move us
forward. Time passes, things don't change and we berate
ourselves in frustration!
That is no way to live your life! Let's look at solutions.
Step One:  Power comes from Purpose!
This week I talked with three people who have big dreams
and wonderful ideas, but they've taken no action. As we
talked, I realized they did not have powerful, passionate
REASONS to succeed. No rational person works long and hard
without a good reason!
They each claimed they had good reasons to pursue their
dreams. Their dreams will make them rich if they succeeded.
Their families support them, and they thought their
"reasons to succeed" were compelling, but they were really
just clich‚s, and clich‚s have no power in them!
Power comes from purpose! The power to get up early, stay
late, and work hard must come from the heart. Powerful
action comes from knowing your purpose, your REASONS for
doing it!
When a teenager wants to make the basketball team, or a
mother wants a doctor for her sick child, or we NEED a
college education, human beings will find a way. But "nice"
goals are not enough. Intellectual arguments are not
enough.
The power to over-come procrastination, find solutions and
keep going comes from living your life on PURPOSE! When you
know WHY, you'll find the HOW!
Step Two:  Become a Player!
This is simple: are you an amateur, or a pro? Are you
serious, or are you dabbling? Are you committed, or merely
interested? The answers make all the difference.
Again, I've recently talked with several people who claim
to have a sense of purpose behind their goals, but I don't
think they truly mean it. They "dabble" and leave no tracks
in the sand.
They tell a great story, and they seem committed, but their
actions speak louder than their words. Inside, they know
that dabbling rarely brings major results, and so they
procrastinate. Action that has no weight or substance to it
is hardly worth taking, so they understandably take no real
action at all.
Don't be a lightweight! The ancient general, Hannibal, is
famous for taking his troops through impossible mountains
and is remembered for saying, "We will find a way, or make
one." He found a way!
To over-come procrastination, be a player! Put some weight
and time and money and skill behind your dreams. Take risks
and make stuff happen! Life is not a rehearsal! If you have
dreams, be certain you have enough REASONS to justify the
effort, and if you do, then go all out! Put yourself on the
line! Make the investment. Procrastination cannot survive
in the face of a committed, determined human will!

THE 4 ENGINES THAT POWER SUCCESS

Every human being wants to be successful. For many, success
is measured in terms of power, fame or financial income,
while other people measure it in less tangible ways.
Whatever your criteria, I've never met a lazy person, so I
assume you, too, are interested in success. The question
then becomes, "What skills or traits are required for
success?"
For many years, social scientists have tried to measure the
"causes" of success, and one of the most frustrating things
as a Coach is the degree to which they have merely confused
the issues. Many people have heard that "successful" people
tend to be taller, prettier, younger or have some other
characteristic over which they have NO control. What these
studies don't tell you is that all these factors combined
account for less than 10% of the "variables" in success!
Race, age, gender, family history, all of that COMBINED
make almost no difference! On the other hand, what's
exciting is that the things that DO make a difference are
almost entirely under your control! That's amazing - and
tremendously hopeful!
What are the things that actually MATTER in long-term
success? Here are some of my key observations from years of
working with unusually successful people:
1. FIRST - Personal stability. High achievers usually live
quiet, structured, almost "boring" lives. They tend to
settle down, have good relationships and mind their own
business. They do not fall victim to addictions, fads or
impulses. There is purpose and structure to their lives.
They get to bed on time, eat well, get a bit of exercise
and pay their bills. The background or "foundation" of
their life does not interfere with achieving their goals.
First, get organized, get a good night's sleep and start
with a good breakfast in the morning. Boring is good!
2. SECOND - Positive Self-Direction. High achievers know
where they're going and how to get there. For most, this
means clear written goals, although many successful people
describe it as an "inner knowing" or "sense of purpose."
Whether it's a list or a vision, successful people know
what they want and permit few (or no!) distractions. They
are not tempted by short-cuts or get-rich-quick schemes.
They have chosen their direction, purpose, goals or themes
in life and like a compass, they always point straight
ahead.
3. THIRD - Personal Urgency. I am not talking about
impatience or jumpiness. Far from it! Success people have
"all the time in the world." They are patient, persistent,
determined and resilient, but they do not waste time. They
focus on things that make a real difference. They think in
terms of priorities, progress, and action-steps, but they
are not rude about it. They do first things first, and have
a healthy eagerness to move forward.
4. FOURTH - Constant Learning. Successful people are
curious and learn faster than other people. They read more,
ask more questions, take more classes, try more things.
They make mistakes, but rarely make the same mistake twice.
No one is born knowing how to walk, talk - or write
software. Successful people LEARN to invest, invent and
create. They have mentors, MasterMind groups, and coaches.
They know that practical, immediately-useful knowledge is
the key to solving life's problems and achieving their
dreams.
The most important thing about these "engines" is that they
can be learned! No one is born with a stable life, a sense
of self-direction or urgency! These are habits that each of
us can absorb and master, often with very little trouble.
Success is not about luck or lucky genes; it's about
learning appropriate skills, then using them to create the
life you truly want. I've often written that a GREAT life
is actually easier than living a complicated, confusing or
mediocre life, and I'm convinced it's true. Keep it simple.
Keep it focused. Play by the rules and learn to win the
game of life.

DISTINGUISHED VALUES OF SALESPEOPLE

Salespeople are different based on their values. A higher order value always takes precedence over a lower order value. If you place one value higher than another, and you have to choose between doing one thing or doing another, you will always select the action that is consistent with your higher value. Once you are clear about your order of values, decision making becomes much easier. Think about it. What are your real values?

More importantly, how can you determine what your values really are? Simple.

Just observe your behaviors, especially the things you do when you are under pressure. Your values are always expressed in your actions. It is not what you say, or wish, or hope, or intend that expresses your true values. It is only what you do.

If you want to know what your values are at this moment, you can examine your recent past and notice the choices you made when you could have gone one way or another. Your choices and your subsequent actions demonstrated to yourself and others what was of greatest value and importance to you.

Compare Different People

Here is an example. Imagine you have two people who have the same three values. The values are family, health and career success. The only difference between these two people is the order of importance that they placed on these values, their priorities. The first person, Bill, says that, "My family comes first, my health is second and career success is third."

Tom, on the other hand, has the same values, but he says, "Career success comes first for me, then my family, and then my health."

Determine the Difference

Would there be a difference in character and personality between these two people? Would there be a small difference or a large difference? Which of these two people would you like to get to know and become friends with? Would you be able to tell these two people apart in conversation? Which one do you think you would like and trust more?

Values Set People Apart

The answers to these questions are clear. The person with the higher values in a better order of priority will invariably be a better person than the person whose values are in a different order. Your choice of values determines the quality of your character. When you select values such as integrity, love, courage, honesty, excellence or responsibility, and you live your life consistent with those values, every hour of every day, you actually become a superior person. It is your values that determine the kind of person you really are.

Action Exercises

Here are two things you can do immediately to put these ideas into action.

First, think about how you behave, how you choose, whenever you are under pressure. Remember, it is only what you do, your actions, that tell who you really are.

Second, observe how other people around you behave when they are forced to choose. You will only be compatible with people whose values are similar to yours. What are they?

BE ON TOP OF YOUR FIELD IN 3 YEARS!

Did you know that one hour per day of study will put you at the top of your field within three years?

Think about it. You've gone as far as you can with what you now know. Any progress you make from this moment onward will require that you learn and practice something new.

Commit to Lifelong Learning

One quality of leaders and high achievers in every area seems to be a commitment to ongoing personal and professional development. They look upon themselves as self-made people, as “works in progress.” They never become complacent or satisfied. They are always striving toward ever greater heights of knowledge and understanding.

Get to the Top in Five Years

Earl Nightingale said many years ago that one hour per day of study in your chosen field was all it takes. One hour per day of study will put you at the top of your field within three years. Within five years you’ll be a national authority. In seven years, you can be one of the best people in the world at what you do.

Read Everything You Can

Read all you can about your field. Subscribe to the executive book clubs and book summaries. Build your own library of important books in your field. Never be cheap about your education.

In fact, if you make a decision today to invest 3% of your annual income back into yourself, back into your own personal and professional development, you will probably never have to worry about money again.

Go Through 50 Books Per Year

If you read one hour per day in your field, that will translate into about one book per week. One book per week translates into about 50 books per year. 50 books per year will translate into about 500 books over the next ten years.

Join the Top 1% of Money Earners

If you read only one book per month, that will put you into the top 1% of income earners in our society. But if you read one book per week, 50 books per year, that will make you one of the best educated, smartest, most capable and highest paid people in your field. Regular reading will transform your life completely.

Action Exercises

Here are two things you can do immediately to put these ideas into practice.

First, ask the successful people around you for their best book recommendations. Whatever advice they give you, immediately go out and buy those books, take them home and begin reading for one hour every morning before you start work.

Second, when you read, underline and take notes when you find important ideas that you can use. Implement them immediately. Take action of some kind on good ideas. You will be amazed at the change in your career.

CREATING AND LIVING A GREAT LIFE!

What does a GREAT life mean to you? That is one of the most
important questions an adult can ask - and answer.
Too many of us never deeply examine that question. We
fantasize about having money or fame or raising a family,
perhaps owning a house in the towns, but we never
rigorously decide exactly what our one and only, unique,
GREAT LIFE should look like.
We all know that a great life does not happen by accident.
A great life is not easy and it does not come with a
diploma, a promotion, getting married (or divorced), having
kids or retiring early. It cannot be inherited and it never
comes like an accessory with the "goodies" of life. Sure,
lots of money, a penthouse apartment, political power or
winning the Nobel Prize are wonderful things and I
encourage you to aspire to ALL of them.
But none of them will guarantee you a great life.
A GREAT life has a grand purpose, a central theme and
a unifying vision. A great life is a lifestyle that is chosen
"on purpose" and is lived in the service of a vision greater
than itself. A great life is living "a life of one's own" and it
is invested, not merely spent.
Second, a GREAT life makes a great contribution. A great life
uses its talents and abilities to make at least one small corner
of the world better. A great life stands up, speaks out, and gets
things done. A GREAT life makes a difference and leaves the
world better than we found it.
Third, a GREAT life leaves a path for others to follow. It is
good to do great things; it's even better to do great things and
teach others to follow your lead. A GREAT life leaves a legacy.
A GREAT life inspires the next generation to go further, reach
farther, dream bigger and achieve more.
I am convinced that every one of us has the right to a
GREAT life. Greatness is not reserved for a lucky few, for
the rich or the powerful, for the artistic or for any small
category of people. Living a GREAT life is the birthright
of every human being, whether we express greatness in
designing tall buildings, or by teaching children to stand tall.
Greatness is our birthright, whether we express ourselves
in business or government, in art or music, in parenting,
or in any of the thousands of so-called "small" things.
Most people remember a special teacher, and many of us had
an uncle who taught us to whistle or a grandmother who
taught us to read. Perhaps there was a neighbor who taught
us to fish, who gave us our first job, or dared us to
persevere when things were hard.
I love the story of the "star thrower," about a man walking
on a beach after a storm, throwing starfish back into the
ocean so they won't die on the shore. Someone criticizes
him for wasting his time, noting there are millions of
starfish, and the few he saves won't make much difference.
The man silently bends over, throws a starfish into the
surf and replies, "It made a difference for that one."
Set it as your minimum standard to live a GREAT life, to
make a difference and have some fun! Eventually, down the
road one day, we all look back and assess our life and when
that time comes, we want to smile, knowing we did it right.
Set that as your standard, and go for it!

YOUR MOST IMPORTANT COMMITMENT

Here's a vital question: What is your most important
commitment? What's the most important thing for you to
"take care of" in life?
That's not a trick question! But I think it does have a
"tricky" answer.
Most people answer with things like their spirituality,
their children or family, their career or health. If those
are your answers, you may want to think again.
All of those things are important! But I'm indebted to one
of my mentors, Thomas Leonard, for helping me dig deeper on
this one. Thomas argued that what he called "self-ishness"
was the most important thing in life.
Ordinarily, we associated selfishness with spoiled children
fighting over toys in the sandbox and it's an ugly picture.
But it's not what Thomas meant.
He pointed out that our first obligation is to figure out
who we are and where we're going in life. Until we discover
our "Self," we are in a sense living someone else's life!
And, here's a critical point. Figuring out who we are and
what we'll do with our life doesn't happen by accident!
Carl Jung said that most people don't figure this out until
about age 40! It takes a long time to grow up and take care
of life's essentials. As young adults most of us are busy
with school and work, starting and raising a family and
doing a thousand other things.
Fortunately, as adults we have the opportunity to step back
and ask the big questions. Thomas was right about the
importance of being "self-ish." You must figure life out
for yourself! But he was wrong about how we do that.
Thomas developed a theory he called "personal evolution"
and speculated that there could be an ordinary, daily
process of evolving into the person we want to become.
Frankly, as much as I admired him (he passed away a couple
years ago), I think he was wrong about this.
I think "existing" is easy, but growth requires hard work,
and a plan.
I much prefer the traditional term, "personal development."
I think responsible adults must take charge of their own
lives. Life expects us to learn and stretch, It expects us
to set a course and develop skills. We have to try things,
make mistakes, and commit to a path of growth and maturity.
Anyone can grow old, but growth comes with effort and
commitment.
So here's the challenge: Who are you striving to become? Do
you have a plan? Are you making the daily investment?
I don't think this has to be "hard" or expensive. In many
ways, it's very easy! Think about this-would you rather
live a chaotic life of distractions, problems and debt, or
an orderly life focused on your most important priorities?
I think in many ways, living a GREAT life is much easier
than living an ordinary life. Sure, it requires a few basic
disciplines. It requires hard choices and the integrity to
stick with them. But in many ways, a GREAT life is actually
much easier and infinitely more satisfying!
Here are four simple-not always easy, but simple-steps:
1. Get clear about who you are, what you value and where
you're going in life. Be very "self-ish" about this!
2. Develop a plan. What do you need to change? What do you
need to learn? Who will you be five years from now, and how
will you make that happen? Take notes and write this stuff
down.
3. Take action every day. It doesn't have to be dramatic
action, but every day, stick with it. Read. Talk with smart
people. Eliminate one or two distractions. Spend time on
things that make you proud, that stretch and strengthen
you.
4. At least once a year, invest time (and a few dollars)
in your SELF! Get away for perspective. Get away to learn.
Get away to THINK! Get away to organize, plan and grow. Get
away so you can return home clear-headed, focused and
energized.