I've been thinking a lot about the degree to which we
control our own destiny. Are we really in charge of our
lives, or do heredity, the environment, other people and
luck play a larger role than we like to admit?
When it comes to free will, it seems like we make our own
decisions. But we also know the power of habits and
influence. We know advertisers can manipulate us by
changing the packaging of a product. Every now and then I
find myself saying something and realize "that's my Dad's
voice!" (How strange!) Or, how about decisions to start or
stop some behavior, decisions that often seem to be ignored
in the rush of life? How do we account for this?
It seems we give ourselves a huge advantage if we are clear
about the things we control, the things we influence, and
the things over which we have little or no control.
For instance, it's tremendously empowering to accept and
use the control we have over our thoughts and attitudes.
Viktor Frankl noted that our ability to choose our attitude
in any situation is the "last human freedom." No one can
take that away from you, not even in a Nazi concentration
camp!
We can, to a remarkable degree, choose our thoughts. Right
now, as you read this, take a moment to picture a big pink
elephant. Go on! You can do this! (Silly, right?) But not
so silly if you then choose to think about something more
useful. How about choosing to think about time with your
child, or success at work, or achieving your most important
goal? You can choose to worry about taxes or celebrate how
rich we are. Your choice.
Other things we can influence, but our control is much less
direct. My influence over government policy is pretty
minimal, but in a democracy I can vote (or not). I can call
or email my representatives, or not. My influence may be
minimal, but it is not zero!
I can influence my family, my friends, and I certainly
influence the environment in my home and office. Can I
control every detail? Of course not. But my words, my
attitude and my behaviors absolutely make a difference.
And that's vital! When I fail to exert my influence, I
lose my power. When I refuse to "play the game" I become,
to some degree and in some ways, power-less. And that's
not good! By persuasion and example, we have tremendous
influence. We can often make a huge difference, and success
and happiness in life depend on exerting our influence for
the best possible outcomes.
Finally, there are many things over which we have no
control. I cannot control or influence the weather. I have
little or no influence over the laws of nature or other
people's choices, attitudes or behaviors. And the sooner I
accept that and learn to live with it, the more successful
I can be.
Fighting against or resenting things we cannot control is
a mark of immaturity. Success people refuse to fight
against things that simply "are." I love the saying that
"reality never lies." It simply is. Successful people learn
to use everything that is -- natural resources, their time,
their talent, their skills, and the strengths of other
people -- to their advantage. When life puts a wall in
front of you, learn to go around, over, or through it. But
never beat your head against it!
Success begins with clear distinctions about the things I
can control, the huge number of things I can influence, and
accepting the things that simply "are." High achievers
insist on controlling their thoughts, attitudes and
behaviors. They attend the seminars, read the books, listen
to audio programs. They hang out with positive people and
surround themselves with models of success. Control the
things you can! Go where it's good.
And extend your influence where you can. Encourage others.
Teach them. Invite or challenge or coach for peak
performance. Some will decline or choose something
different and that's alright. But where you can, be an
influence for good. It may be a small thing, but together
let's use our influence for a better world!
Finally, accept the things you cannot control. Some things
just "are." Leave them alone, or use them to your advantage.
Admire their beauty or marvel at their stubbornness, but
do not get caught up in the drama of trying to move the
immovable object. It doesn't work out well.
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