Conflict is never a welcome thing when it involves other people in our lives, but it can be insightful and constructive too. It can help us see what are deepest, most core values really are. Like not realizing how much the truth matters to you until you've been lied to, conflict wakes us up to parts of ourselves we may not see otherwise. It's a learning opportunity to honor - not something to be shamefully avoided.
Each of us has multiple core values that shape our overall contentment and sense of fulfillment. In fact most of us can easily name ten or fifteen values we feel are very important. Chances are good that at least a couple of those core values will be at odds with each other - even within ourselves.
You will probably notice this clash when it comes time to make an important life decision. Part of you may want one thing while the other wants the opposite. What can you do? There's a few ways you can resolve this conflict.
The Balancing Act
Everything in life is a balancing act. You have to make time for both rest and work, to care for other people as well as your Self. Your core values all contribute to your wellbeing in their own special way; without any one, your life would no longer be balanced.
Although each core value has its place, not all are equal. Try to narrow down your list to just a handful of those you consider the most essential. Then reflect on the ways you are acting and speaking right now in order to uphold those values. You just may find that one value is receiving more time and attention than others and that you need to strike a better balance.
Do Our Values Change?
The only thing constant is change. Obviously your life changes as you grow and mature so shouldn't your core values change, too?
One way that most of us change is that we move out of our parents' home to start our own family. All of a sudden core values you once held dear, such as Independence or Serenity or Adventure, might need to take a back seat to other, more necessary types of traits. That doesn't mean your values themselves will change, only that your definition of those values needs to be modified.
For instance, when you have children, you will need to do a lot more planning in order to take that adventurous scuba trip -- but there's nothing wrong with that. You still have the ability to make a choice that honors all your core values without giving up something you truly want to do.
Ranking Order
It can be difficult to determine which of our core values are more vital to our wellbeing than others but it's a task you must undertake in order to achieve proper balance.
Try this exercise: write down all your personal core values and assign each one of them a number that corresponds to its importance. For instance, if you have Nature and Excitement listed as two of your values, think about which one has more of an impact on your life. If you simply can't stand the thought of living in a big city, than Nature is the core value that should rank higher.
Once you know how each of your core values rates, it becomes easier to make major decisions. Maybe you've received an employment offer in New York City that sounds like an exciting job with an excellent salary -- but knowing how important Nature is to you, it might become obvious that this is not the best choice. Sure this means that not all of your core values agree with this decision but that's okay. The higher ranking value wins this time but Excitement will get its day, too.
We will all experience core value conflict at some point in our lifetimes but that doesn't mean it must be a negative experience. Deal with the conflict by thoroughly reviewing the status of your values and you will find it easier to make decisions that are good for you.
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